ALMOST CARRIE ~ Season 12, Episode 4: The Power of Female Thanks

6:43 PM, Thanksgiving Day

Carrie’s cell phone rings.  It’s Miranda.  Carrie picks up.

Carrie: Is this the annual I’m-in-hell call?

Miranda: I’m in hell.  Are you in hell?  Please tell me you’re in hell.

Carrie: Well….

Miranda: Carrie, Steve is leading my entire family in a Piano Man sing-along.  Please don’t let me be in hell all by myself.

Carrie: I slept in my cousin’s room last night…the woman is 38 and there’s a Bon Jovi poster taped over her bed.  Does that qualify as hell?

Miranda: You’ve traded John James Preston for Jon Bon Jovi.

Carrie: John James Preston is having the time of his life.  My aunt told him that he’s as handsome as Burt Reynolds and now they’re doing tequila shots.

Miranda: Well, I’m hiding in my dead mother’s pantry so that I don’t have to listen to everyone fawn over Steve.  Why does everyone love him so much?  I mean, the man waited in line to see Captain America on opening night.  Does anyone else find this odd?

Carrie: Doesn’t that just make him a good father or something?

Miranda: Brady wasn’t with him!  Do you think I’d let him stay up that late on a Thursday ni—Oh shit, they’ve moved on to Scenes from an Italian Restaurant.  My son is screwed.

Carrie: Your son is fine.

Miranda: Carrie, my son is a ginger who knows every word to Billy Joel’s entire canon.  Would you sleep with a Billy Joel-loving ginger?

Carrie: Well, no but—

Miranda: There is no but, Carrie.  I just pray that he’s gay.  Gingers fair much better in the gay communit—why do you keep breathing like that?  Are you smoking?

Carrie: I bummed it from my Nana so it’s okay—Oh wait, Charlotte’s on the other line, hold on.  Char?

Charlotte: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  How are—Lily, honey, we already had dessert, but if you still feel hungry, mommy will cut you another slice!  Carrie, I don’t know what to do, she’s already had three pieces, but I don’t want to give her a complex and make her A-N-O-R-E-X-I-C.

Carrie: Charlotte, she’s eight.  Can’t she spell?

Charlotte: Oh we had the most beautiful Thanksgiving!  Wesley and Leslie are finally trying for a baby!  I gave her all my old fertility books.

Carrie: I can’t believe they worked things out.

Charlotte: It’s the acupuncture Carrie.  She hadn’t had an O-R-G-A-S-M since her pony died when she was 15, but then she did three sessions with Dr. Mao and she’s cured!

Carrie: Nobody loses their ability to orgasm because their horse dies Charlotte.

Charlotte: It happened!  It happened to my brother Wesley’s wife turned ex-wife turned wife again Leslie!

Carrie: Charlotte, I’ve got Miranda on the other line, and she’s in the middle of an existential crisis.

Charlotte: Oh, she’s just cuckoo!  How could anyone have an existential crisis on Thanksgiving?

Carrie: Charlotte, my phone is beeping, I’m getting off now…Miranda is that you?  What’d you do, hang up and call back?

Miranda: You were taking too long.

Carrie: Well, Charlotte’s on cloud nine.  Wesley and Leslie are back together.

Miranda: Ahh, Wesley and Leslie.  Didn’t Samantha sleep with Wesley once?

Carrie: I have no idea, but I’ll go with yes.

Miranda: By the way, my sister asked about you.  She said, “how’s that little friend of yours, the one who was your date at mom’s funeral?”

Carrie: I gave that woman my last tampon at your wedding and she still doesn’t know my name?

Miranda: What can I say?  She’s a bitch.

Carrie: Okay, enough.  Tell me one thing you’re thankful for.

Miranda: Hmm…does Magda count?

Carrie: Samantha just texted me. “Going to Jean Georges for dinner and then he’s coming here for dessert.  That’s what I call a Happy Thanksgiving.”

Miranda: Huh.  I’ve never been attracted to guys with French accents.

Carrie: Well then I guess you’re also thankful Steve doesn’t have a French accent.

Miranda: Oh no, he found me!  Steve, I’m talking to Carrie.  Stev—Carrie, he’s mouthing the words to I Love You Just the Way You Are. Steve!  Carrie, what am I going to do with him?

Carrie: Okay, my friend, go be with your husband.  I have to make sure Big and my aunt haven’t run away together.  Cocktails Monday 6 PM?

Miranda: Are you kidding?  Of course.  That’s my only incentive for getting through the weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Almost Carrie

Emily Sproch is a writer and a Sex and the City tour guide.  Each Friday, she chronicles the fine line between reality and fiction in her column “Almost Carrie.”