I love New York. I love everything from the smells to the blisters to the garbage on the mean streets. New York, New York. It’s glamorous and glorious. I moved to New York six years ago, and I’ve lived in the same building in Hell’s Kitchen for five of them. My neighborhood, which was once full of drug addicts and degenerates, is now made up of (mostly) old women who have lived there for a million years and beautiful gay men. I love it.
I know New York City may seem big and uninviting, but I truly feel like I live in the smallest neighborhood in world. My deli guys know me by name, the bouncer at POSH watches me go home at night (in a non-creepy, nurturing way), and the everyone in my my neighborhood café knows all about my love life and commitment issues.
I have one only problem with my little utopian society: the guy in apartment 1G. It’s clear that he’s running a meth lab/prostitution ring out of his apartment, which I’d be totally fine with it it weren’t for the fact that we share a fire escape. Sometimes we sleep with our windows open, which means I have to listen to his shenanigans. Here is a little letter that I would like to slip under his door, but I’m afraid because he might crawl across said fire escape and kill me in my sleep:
Dear Guy in 1G,
I am fine fact that you sell drugs out of your apartment. I am, in fact, fine with your meth lab and prostitution ring. I am even fine with the fact that you were secretly watching me and my ex-boyfriend have sex and then kept watching even after we caught you. I am, however, NOT fine with you letting the fire escape ladder down at 5 AM so that men can crawl into your apartment for sex. I am NOT fine when you and these strange men then moan and groan 5 feet from my head. And I am NOT FINE with you letting your friends sleep on OUR fire escape in a tent. Not fine. Really, really not fine. You are, in fact, a horrible person and I hate you.
All the best,
Girl in 1D
P.S. What exactly are you doing with that hose and why is there water shooting out of your bedroom window?
Lindsey Gentile is an actor, writer, comedienne, and all-around gal-about-town. Every Thursday, she reports from the front lines of single life in NYC. Check out her website HERE. Need more Big City Siren? No problem.
