This Stay-At-Home Dad has an actual wife of his own at home (Hi sweetie!), but much the same way some people have a “work husband” or a “work wife,” he also has his own “baby wife” (Hi honey!). This being the case, it seems that perhaps this Stay-At-Home Dad should throw caution to the wind and pick out (or rather, piece together) from within the circle of other mothers (other mothers?! damnit!) with whom he and his baby frequently socialize, a sort of hypothetical “baby mistress” or, if you’d prefer, a “baby girlfriend.”
But how shall this Stay-at-Home Dad go about this? How shall he put together the desirable (and shallow) aspects and traits and attractions and eccentricities of this hypothetical “baby girlfriend?” How shall he appease his own hypothetical whims?
Well luckily for my dear readers, this particular Stay-At-Home Dad has already given the topic no small amount of thought (but please keep in mind that these, my opinions, are just that—opinions—and should not be otherwise taken out of context, despite the fact that these opinions are currently being broadcast in a public forum such as this).
So, how would I piece together a so-called “baby girlfriend” from the other mothers I know?
This particular mother has the cutest face, and this other one has the best nose. This one has the snarkiest personality, and this other one has the best freckles. This one has the best fashion sense, and this one has the best laugh. This one can talk about baseball, and this one jokes about sex. This one has the best legs, and this one has the best ass (although, in this particular instance, both of these happen to be attached to the same person). This one is super sweet, and this one seems to be something of an exhibitionist. This one is a yoga instructor, and this one likes beer. This one is a flirt, and this one will have a cocktail in the middle of the afternoon. This one knows all the U.S. presidents in chronological order, and this one is from Canada (a country which, as everybody knows, seems to produce the nicest Goddamn people on the planet). This one likes football, and this one thinks I’m funny. This one likes dogs, and this one likes Southern food. And this other one…
But perhaps I should stop.
So, how to choose? How can I piece together a single “baby girlfriend” from all these complex individuals?
Maybe this Stay-At-Home Dad can’t, or shouldn’t, pick a “baby girlfriend” at all. Maybe he shouldn’t have been looking for a “baby girlfriend” in the first place. After all, he already has a “baby wife” and a “real wife” in his current portfolio, and a “baby girlfriend” might very well upset that delicate balance. Maybe the status quo is best for everybody involved. (Although, it should be noted that, professionally, the Stay-At-Home Dad might very well be in the market for an “editorial girlfriend,” which certain blog editors might consider when they have a spare moment or two.)
Should this Stay-At-Home dad continue on in this manner, he may very well find himself in what could only be described as “difficult marital straits,” which makes him start to think: “I wonder what my second wife will look like?”