911

Posted by Another Howard 
911
June 02, 2004 05:23AM
I was walking out the door to catch my bus to the WTC, where I would catch a shuttle to my regular office a little further uptown. My girlfriend screamed wildly because she though I had already gone, and was trying to get my attention down the street. I saw the fire in the first building, and then watched as the second plane crashed.

The day before, my 3rd shift worker called in sick, and because of an agreement with my boss, when I worked a double till midnight, I was allowed to go in an hour later. Once the towers fell, I went to the neighborhood supermarket to pick up milk and bottled water, all while trying to get hold of anyone in my company to see if they all made it out. The last message from my boss was to stay put and keep checking my computer lines to see if our remote capabilities were working.

As I walked out of the supermarket, ashes were falling like snowflakes. I live approximately 10 miles from ground zero, and this was only a few minutes later. Everyone in the parking lot looked up. Some guy said we had to do something. He started talking about muslims in general, but even in all my frustration, and wanting to strike back at anything I could find, through gritted teeth I was saying we cant blame everyone for the actions of a sick few. In the aftermath, I saw the bus I would have taken if I went in at my normal time, in front of Century 21, and it was a burned and crumpled shell.

On TV I saw people of arabic descent dancing in the streets. A friend said that it was probably just the media plaing the same clip over and over to be sensational, but I saw more than one tape, and more than one group of people. I had friends telling me how the child of one of their neighbors was taunting them and laughing that the twin towers were destroyed. Every time I think of those people dancing, and what that kid said, it tastes bitter to say we can't blame all muslims for the actions of a few, but I say it anyway.

I remeber making it a point to visit two neighborhood stores in the next few days, that are run by muslims, and the relief on their faces when I walked in.

All of the next week was spent listening to friends telling how they had to walk over body parts to get home. I heard about how some of them were locked in shelters in places like liberty plaza, which was thought to be falling at any minute. I also heard about the anguish that survivors and families of victims were having. I had acquaintances, friends of friends, and friends family that were victims. Is that directly touching me? Im not sure. I felt frustrated because the only faces I could place with the attack were either thousands of miles away or burned to a crisp. I wanted to hit something, and there was noone to be found. I felt guilty because I was not there. Is that survivors guilt? I dont know.

I was beggin my boss for a chance to get out of the house because all that was on TV was ground zero and the attack over and over again.

When I was finally called in, the first thing I did was thank my night worker, because if not for him calling in sick I would have been part of the wreckage. I might not be brave, but I'll be dammed if I wouldnt try to help someone laying on the floor, and god help me, Im not as fast as I used to be, so in all honesty I dont think I would have made it.

On 34th street, people were very quiet. I remember hearing a plane passing over head, and I remember everyone literally looking up at the same time. Was there fear? Maybe, but no one was running.

I remember the army checkpoints on canal and wondering if they would ever stand down. I rememeber my hackles being up everytime I went downtown. I remember the smoke and dust still rising for weeks afterwards. I remember the stench in the air, that now they say was actually dangerous, and the sore throat and trouble breathing for months afterwards.

I remember going to Montego bay Jamaica a few weeks after 911, and with every plane taking off literally jumping out of my skin. I remember some Rasta asking cant we just all get along, before they even found all the bodies. I remember some woman in a village we stopped in saying our group was brave for stopping in town. It seems that a few weeks before we arrived, they had overturned a bus. Although I didnt say anything, all I was thinking was they just threw two planes at my home, what do you think you're gonna do? I remember the flight home with some arabic looking guy that had a wild eyes, that everyone in my group did not trust. I remember discussing who would be crazy enough to take on a plane full of New Yorkers now, armed only with a couple of knives, and who was going to block what areas.

Its a few years later. I still cant talk about this subject without staring to cry. I still cant cross the bridge on the train, without seeing that hole in the ground and getting emotional. I was very young when the towers were finished, and I cant remember a New York without them. I remember not only the sight of the towers, but the shopping, and the food, and the concerts, and the bustle. I have this stupid old velvet bag hanging on my computer desk that was bought at borders in the WTC; no address or anything, but I know where it came from.

I dont know how long its going to take to get comfortable with how I feel. I still get anxious when I go near ground zero. After my car accident, the car crash site kept my adrenalin pumping for years. I know it gets easier to handle over time, but while your going through all the anger, frustration, and guilt, it still sucks.
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