Jayms Blonde, our New Yorker of the Month June 2008

Ask a New Yorker: Who is Jayms Blonde?

Jayms: Jayms Blonde is an anagram for my real name. This gives you many possibilities, some of them sexy some of them not.

Ask a New Yorker: Great, O.K I like anagrams, holograms, telegrams but the question remains: who is Jayms Blonde?

Jayms: I grew up as a military brat. I have a younger sister. I ran around to different army bases with my parents. Then my parents died in an accident and I had to raise my sister. So I went into the Navy two years younger than I was supposed to, and supported her education in boarding schools while leaving her with my great aunt while I worked on Navy ships all over the world.

Ask a New Yorker: We're getting somewhere here. Jayms Blonde, you're intriguing. You're an adventurer, sounds a little mysterious…

Jayms: I was tapped out of the Navy to become a Navy Seal. I learned how to kill a man or make him come in thirty-nine different ways with my index finger and my thumb. So when I ‘left’ the service that got me invited to a lot of parties.

Ask a New Yorker: Wow, Jayms that’s quite something. Watch out OO7.

Jayms: I talk like Oscar Wilde but kick ass like OO7. Sean Connery, what a babe. But aside from that, I got thrown out of the service when I was caught spread eagling my commanding officer on his desk at the Pentagon. He got reprimanded for being gender specifically challenged, and I got tossed out for being gay. So after that I spiraled down for a while. I took some vengeance and did a few porn movies. I did “Cummandos” and “Deep Insertion” and a few other satires of some real Black Ops that I did. While I was doing my last porn film I met a hairdresser on the shoot. We became roommates. That's where I learned how to use a teasing comb instead of an Uzi. I found out that I had a talent for giving good hair and went into the Hollywood circuit. Then I got onto a movie set, an action adventure jungle movie, and was styling a very well known film star's hair. She was a real environmentalist. Behind our set was this big plant polluting the Amazon River making people sick. She hired me to rig the explosion in the final scene to blow up the plant as well as our set. She gave me fifty thousand dollars which I donated to the local orphanage. That is how STOP got started.

Ask a New Yorker: This is quite a story. Where do we go from here?

Jayms: Well, an old buddy of mine who has since died...his name was Marvin Gardens, was a celebrity florist and raised lots of money. When I confessed to him what I had done on the Amazon movie set he thought it was a great idea. So he started going to all his celebrity clientele and raising funds for me to go out and be an eco warrior to save the planet from pollution. We formed STOP which is an environmental espionage group.

Ask a New Yorker: I understand there’s been a book written about you. Can you tell us about that?

Jayms: Well first there was a comic book in 2005. Then there was a book that came out called "The Hair Raising Adventures of Jayms Blonde" in the summer of 2007 It's about one of my bigger adventures with an organization called Zenron fighting pollution and to promote the distribution of ethanol. One of my former CIA associates who's a gadget guru turned my instruments of hair care into deadly weapons. He made me a blow dryer that becomes an Uzi shooting Teflon bullets. I have an electric hair crimper that shoots bolts of electricity. I have a laser teasing comb, peel and stick plastic nails and hair-curler hand grenades. We can do your hair and blow the building up on the way out.

Ask a New Yorker: I have to say your whole description of yourself sounds and looks a lot like a subway poster that I walked by today for a new movie starring Adam Sandler called You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. http://www.jaymsblonde.com/zohanwho.php

Jayms: No, but Zohan looks like my idiotic cousin. This guy is embarrassing in the way he portrays real military men in the Navy Seals. We are a strong disciplined group. We save lives. We don’t blow buildings up without a reason. We take care of the planet and the environment. If Zohan's padded crotch stands for anything else then the rest of his story must be equally empty.

Ask a New Yorker: Hollywood is the land of busted promises, broken dreams and sharks. Sounds like certain aspects of your life story, hairdryer prop etc., are being lifted and used in "You Don’t Mess With the Zohan".

Jayms: Well, I hired a biographer Robert Cabell to write my story. We drafted the copyright back in 2002. So he’s been writing about me for several years. In 2005 Adam Sandler through his Happy Madison site, and Rob Schneider and Mariah Cary all requested to be my MySpace friends after my comic book came out. Robert was blogging the novel as we were developing it. I don’t think stealing my life story is a very friendly thing to do. We already filed a "cease and desist" with Mr. Sandler. The full-blown law suit, and I don’t use the word blow lightly, will begin before the movie comes out.

Ask a New Yorker: There it is from Jaymes Blonde himself, beware "Zohan".
http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20080527/en_movies_eo/cba1250c1c18_459e_b2c2_95ac2d07dd54

View Archives >>